medium & the message

A couple of posts ago @ceonyc left me a comment that was a great answer to my question, “How do I prepare for my Dad’s death?”

The answer was in front of my face the whole time but my emotions have been clouding my judgment lately, so it wasn’t until ceonyc pointed it out that I had an ‘ahhhhh’ moment - using my video skills to capture, and share, my Dad.

I start kicking myself for not doing this sooner, or rather, not pushing it sooner. You see, I had briefly had that idea before but two things stopped me:

1) My Dad is an extremely private man. One of his many quirky sayings was, “Whatever happens in the home stays in the home.” Sure, he may have been a little dramatic, but his thoughts of a family unit are what really keep us strong and together. A video in his face? It would be of him teasing me about the internet and telling me to shut it off.

2) The disease that so quickly overtook my father changed him in a way that I would not wanted to have encapsulated. It would have shown a great story but at my father’s expense, so I chose just to experience it on my own.

That being said, I thought to film some of the other family moments: the ones between my hubby, mom, brother, sister (brother’s wife) and my adorable little nephew. I mean, the one true way to know my father is to see the legacy he left behind.

This particular video is a common scene at the Siskos’ House. Everyone sitting around the dinner table, after a nice meal or snack, just chatting; my Dad was either talking politics or making non-sensical jokes, often at the same time. In the video you’ll see a guy in blue to my left (my big brother John), a guy he guy straight (my hubby, James) and the lovely lady to my right is my adoring Mommy.

I love getting blogger outreached. I don’t know why, it’s not just the opportunity to do cool stuff but I love learning about how other people do it. I mean, it’s my job, and I get first hand experience from the other end. I suppose it’s the same as being a waitress and getting waited on. Or being a musician and listening to music. You see all the nuances and different techniques.

Anyway, this particular email wasn’t completely out of the blue. I have tried New Moon Kitchen products before. Specifically, the Nana bread.

Not only are all the food made with whole, natural ingredients, but they have no preservatives, they’re vegan friendly, a bunch of other healthy stuff and, as my tweet so eloquently reads, they are also MADE WITH LOVE.

aside: Don’t get your panties in a bunch that we’re talking fat free crap, here. No, the food that says shit like that is chocked full of chemicals and fake flavours. This is not diet food but it’s still better for you than anything that says it’s “diet”.

Anyway, the most important part is that the taste is sensational.

I’m telling you, I know my baked goods and I’m critical. My mom is one of the best bakers in the world and she always made things from scratch. That’s what this tastes like.

Okay, back to the email. She is a friend of a co-worker of mine and I’m certain he suggested me to her and voila, I get this email asking me to blog about her cookies and she’ll send me a pack to try.

Uh? Hello? I was already going to blog about the bread. So, yes, I will definitely review the cookies.

She connected to me through someone I know. Check.
She wrote an honest, friendly and personal email. Check.
She didn’t pretend to be a ‘long time’ reader of my blog. Check.
And there are no obligations as to what I have to write. Check.

Oh….and I get free cookies that are probably going to be delicious! Check!

In high school I was a jock. Basketball and volleyball were my games (if you’ve seen my height you’d understand why) but I also loved playing softball and basically any sport that required me to sweat my balls ovaries off.

Preparing for the games required more than just warming up your muscles, throwing the ball around and working up the start of a good sweat; my best games were when I mentally prepared myself, visualized me jumping high, the ball going through the hoop or whatever it took to win.

But how do you prepare yourself for something you don’t want to happen? What do you do when you know the inevitable is going to come and there is nothing you can do to stop it? Is visualizing still the best method?

My Dad’s death is gaining on us, faster than anyone in my family can keep up with.  And I find myself imagining what it’s going to be like. I find myself daydreaming about the funeral, about my speech, about when it’s going to happen, where am I going to be, if I’m going to cry, what the weather is going to be like.

I don’t think the visualization is helping and I think it’s because there is no outcome that I want. You see, when it was a volleyball game I KNEW how I wanted to smash that ball. I KNEW how high I wanted to jump. I KNEW what I wanted to happen. But what I want to happen with my Dad is impossible. And any realistic scenario I can imagine -  a sunny day or a rainy day, sitting in my office at the time of the call or at home in the middle of my sleep - nothing is how I will ever want it to be.

I am torturing myself. But I don’t know what else to think about.