zoë siskos

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Nov 18

No presents for Christmas.

How do you tell people that you don’t want to do the gift thing this year, for Christmas?

How do you tell them that you actually would prefer not to celebrate the holidays at all this year?

How do you do it without sounding like a jerk? You tell me, which explanation makes the most sense.

a) I never really liked the gifting part of Christmas. The ONE thing I did love, spending time with my family, has been taken away from me this year (a big part of it anyway) so the gift thing really is just a pain in the ass.

b) My Dad is dead and that’s what I’ll be thinking about. Not, “Ooh, thanks for this basket of soap.”

c) I know I’ve been hiding it pretty good for the past month or so, but I’m still really fucking angry with the whole life/death thing. If I have to face a mall and the people in it, I will probably get arrested for punching someone.

d) No, this doesn’t mean that you can still give me a gift. As a matter of fact, that will just make me feel worse. Can we just spend time together?

e) If you get me a gift I will throw it out the window, walk out the door and head to the nearest bar to spend Christmas with other people who are avoiding the holiday.

Luckily for me, my mom and brother feel the same way. So, our Christmas is really just going to be another day for us to hang out. No tree, no decorations, no gifts. I know they both feel the exact same way.

How do I get this accross to the rest of the people in my life? Unfortunately, they don’t all read my blog.

zoeDisco

thank beth.

interesting site! it seems to be a trend this year. I came across this one recently - http://www.nochristmasgiftsthisyear.com/

Ruth Seeley

I'm lucky my father would always respond, 'nothing' whenever I asked him what he wanted for Xmas or his birthday, although he was pretty delighted to get handknit socks or a beautiful pair of unlined leather gloves.

I think it's hard for people who haven't been through it to understand how grieving affects our social capabilities. It was certainly a huge shock for me to realize that we don't necessarily have our own 'grief patterns' - I went through completely different things when my dad died than I did when my mother did. Although they were all weird.

Maybe send a link to this post to your friends via email or post the link on Facebook?

zoeDisco

my goodness, my dad was the same! we would have to persuade him to open his gifts at Christmas - he definitely got more joy out of spending time with us.

You touch on another point that I agree with - people just don't understand. And it's not that they don't want to, or they aren't trying. but unless you have gone thru this, it all seems a little...weird (as you say).

Thankfully, this post has reached a few of my close family members and they did agree 100%. I also sent out a couple of personal emails and everyone has been supportive.

I am very lucky to have the family that I do.

z

Seebs

Hey Zoe

I think that you've kind of always hated presents that are given out of "necessity". Anyone who knows you knows that about you. For those who don't really know you, I would have to agree with Beth.

People do it at weddings all the time when they don't want their loved ones to spend a fortune just becuase. Get a nice card for the holidays and find a tasteful way to say "donate to a charity in remembrence of my Dad" and send it to those people who aren't going to be able to spend time with you.

I'm still going to get you coffee though ;) Not becuase it's Christmas but because it's what I would be drinking if I was sitting in your living room chatting and laughing with you.

I love ya hun, and as my Mom always says, "This too shall pass." Not that it's ever going to go away but it will get easier.

zoeDisco

thanks seebs; you always understood my gift exchanging neurosis. ;)

and i know your coffee gift would come no matter what time of year :) I am looking forward to that.

z

Beth

Zoe, is there a charity your Dad supported? One way to tactfully get around this whole issue of gift-giving is to let people know you'd like a donation in lieu of a gift.

Or try suggesting an activity instead? Like, "hey, let's go to dinner/movie/hockey game/show as our gift to each other this year."

I actually hate all this commercial stuff too. I want to spend time with my family and friends, go out and look at Christmas lights, and go to church. The rest I can live without.

zoe

Before he died he said that instead of flowers for his funeral he wanted people to donate to the Cancer centre that helped him while he was sick. So, that would make a great gift.

I do really like your idea of doing something instead. That way you get the best part of the holidays - spending time together.

thanks for your ideas, Beth, they've been very helpful!

Beth

Thanks :)

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope you do find some peace of mind this holiday season.

I just wanted to pass along this website: http://www.buynothingchristmas.org. I came across it earlier today and though you might find it interesting.