zoë siskos

Don’t get me wrong; I’m friendly. I just prefer not to be friends. You know, the come-over-for-dinner-get-drunk-together-go-out-together-spill-all-your-private-secrets-to kind of neighbours. I like the can-I-borrow-a-cup-of-sugar-thanks-for-the-screwdriver-let’s-have-a-2-min-chat-about-the-weather-or-economy-but-never-politics kind of neighbour.

Why? Two reasons.

1) I like to pick my friends based on their personality, NOT their location to me.

2) If they turn out to be big jerks or annoying (as most people do) it’s difficult to get rid of them. What are you going to do…move? This situation happened to some people in my neighbourhood growing up. It’s not pleasant.

However, as private and polite as you can be your neighbours can still be annoying and turn out to be big jerks. Sometimes it’s just inevitable. Which brings me to my story.

Monday night, a long weekend in Canada, at 2am (yes…2am in the morning) I hear a knock on my door (I live in a condo). I sludge myself out of bed, annoyed that James and I are going to be getting up in about 3 hours and look through my peephole – it’s my next door neighbour.

He, like most people in Dundas, is retired. He’s a former teacher (I think) and he’s old but doesn’t act it. I would guess he’s late 60s but could pass for in his 50s. He’s normally nice and polite but I know he’s nosy because he knows everybody in the building and is a director on the condo board. He’s away on vacation a lot so we don’t have too many encounters. For the past month or so he’s come over once or twice to complain about a smell that he thinks is coming from under our sink into his condo. Despite the fact that there is NO smell, I wipe everything down with water and vinegar, take out the garbage and recycling. One time there was no garbage to even take out. But I humour him because it’s easier to just comply, be polite and get it over with. But I’m convinced IF there is even a smell, it’s coming from his place.

Anyway, I open the door.

Him: “Zoe, I’m so sorry, but there is that smell again. I just can’t get to sleep. I just can’t stay in my apartment”

Me: “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning.”

Him: “I know, but I didn’t know what to do. It smells like dog. Did you want to come over and smell it?”

Me: “I am not coming over to smell anything.”

Him: “I just can’t go in there. The smell is overwhelming.”

Me: “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning.” [shut door]

I go back to bed and Jamie is all paranoid – because Jamie is a neat freak when it comes to the kitchen – so Jamie decides to get out of bed and do a wipe down, pour baking soda and vinegar down the drain – “Maybe it’s coming from the drains” he says – and take out the recycling – “The recycling bag is open, no lid, so maybe it’s coming from there” he says. There is no smell. I stick my head in there and there is no smell. But, if Jamie wants to clean I’m not going to stop him.

Fast forward to later that day, I’m coming home from work and there is a post-it (my neighbour also likes to leave post-its) on my door which reads “Hi Zoe, Could you knock on my door when you get home? HIS NAME”

I have about 400 better things to do than knock on his door, playing with my dog is one of them. Calling my mom was the second.

Of course, 15 min of me being home there is a knock on the door and Spanky takes off! She barks and I panic. I’m in the office and I sorta do this whisper/shout thing “Spanky! Spanky girl, come here.” You know, loud enough for her to hear but not for the person knocking on my door.

Spanky pauses mid-trot. She slowly turns her head and just as I think she’s about to bolt for the door she runs back to me. Phew! (I shut the door to the office, praise her and give her tons of treats.)

The reason I didn’t want to talk to him was because I wanted Jamie there. We do things together, especially things that concern our home. Plus, I doubt this guy would give me shit with my ass-kicking husband next to me.

When Jamie got home we did a check under the sink again and it was still spotless and it didn’t smell any different. I even looked in the garbage and there wasn’t anything there. Jamie had taken the recycling out that morning. So, we headed to our neighbour and of course he wasn’t home. We left him this note:

“HIS NAME, We knocked. You weren’t home. Feel free to knock on our door as long as it’s before 10am.”

Not too long afterward, the neighbour comes over and we stand at the door. He laughs about our note and both Jamie and I are stone faced. Then he continues…

“Sorry about coming over but I really couldn’t stand the smell. I was sitting out here in a lawn chair I didn’t know what to do. I ended up sleeping right next to the window with it open. The smell was unbearable.”

Jamie and I are still stone faced.

“I didn’t know what to do so I called Bob (the super) and Freda (the condo board president) and we went into your unit today to check it out. Funny thing, there is NO smell coming from your place. We opened the cupboard and there was no smell. But when we open the lid of the garbage can and stuck our heads in we nearly wretched! So, Bob threw your garbage out.”

I see Jamie’s muscles twitch. I know what he’s doing is stopping himself from beating the crap out of this guy. He’s really just trying to stay calm. I know this, because I am doing the same thing. I mean, stick your head in any garbage can. It stinks! They all stink! You know why? Beacuse garbage stinks! This is why we have a lid.

“So, I figure that it’s poor air flow in these condos. There really is no smell in your place but it’s coming right into mine. I’ve use that foam sealer and sprayed in all the hole on my side. If you want you can do that to yours – I’ll pay for it. ”

Again, we are as still as we can be. I think one minor move and the guy would have been dead. Yes…he’s still talking…

“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know in case you noticed why things were different. I hope there’s no hard feelings or anything. You guys are great neighbours, you don’t make noise you don’t cause any trouble. And I love Spanky, I love dogs. SO, thanks.”

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in a condo but there are only two reasons why the super can enter your building and both are for emergencies only – Fire and Flood. Being on the condo board and thinking you might smell something are NOT legal reasons for entering the condo.

Anyway, Jamie and I have followed up with the Property manger and the police. Without spilling our plan too much, let’s just say it’s getting handled the way we want. When everything is over and done with, I’ll post an update.

This is why I don’t like nieghbours.