medium & the message

I look at everything differently. I feel different. I am different. I am not the same person.

So how do I know I’m okay?

My Mom has books about dealing with cancer and death. I’ve read hundreds of pamphlets, “Losing your Dad’, “Dealing with Dying”, “How to not punch everyone you see” (okay, the last one was obviously fake but I that’s how I feel). I’ve read them, but now what? When is everything going to get back to normal? When am I going to stop feeling so…defeated.

I hate crying so much. I cried at work becasue I had to throw out a yogurt that expired on September 11, the day my Dad died. I didn’t read about that in any pamphlet. What am I supposed to do when that happens?

I find comfort in James, a lot of comfort. But he is not around most of the time so what do I do in between?

I just want to be happy again. You know that feeling of excitment, like the night before a vacation, or on your way to a concert, That feeling of “I can’t wait for this thing to happen”. That’s been taken away from me.

“Time”. “Think positivley”. “This is normal”. Sorry, but that hippie bullshit doesn’t work on me. I need real, tangible reasons to feel better. Think positively? How? What am I supposed to think positively about? My dog? Sure, she makes me laugh my ass off. Then I turn around and think about how my Dad used to play with my old dog and know that I won’t get to see that ever again. It’s sickening how much I defeat myself. This is normal?

I just want it to be over.