zoë siskos

Aug 24

FUELED energy drink, NEW & IMPROVED

*This is an anonymous guest post from a good friend of mine. S/he sent me this email as a humorous ‘welcome back’ from my week long vacation. It made me giggle. WARNING: There’s a lot of swearing.*

Is your boss getting messing with your chi?

Do your colleagues at work make you want to throw up in your mouth?

Have you ever thought of sticking your middle finger up at “the man” just cause it would make you feel better?

You’re not alone! And science, once again, is on your side!

Introducing the new and improved FUELED (Fuck-U, Easy Lobotomy Energy Drink) – the last name you’ll need in liquid courage and the only drink you will want to give away!

Normally if you were to tell your boss to go fuck themselves you’d be looking at the wrong end of a termination letter detailing your faults to HR and a short walk (escorted by security) to the front door. Not any more! Once you’ve FUELED them up, instead of hearing “Do the fucking report yourself!!” they’ll hear, “Of course I’ll do that report for you and thanks for letting me help you with this!”

Keep some of your select co-workers FUELED and confidently say things like, “You’re a real fucking douchebag – I can’t believe they pay you money to work here!” ….not to worry, they’ll hear, “You’re awesome, I can’t tell you how glad I am you’re on my team!”

Trouble with family members? No problem! Keep them FUELED and phrases like “What the fuck is the matter with you???” , which get turned into, “You have the best little quirks! You Rock!”

All of this for the low low price of $29.95 payable in weekly installments for the next 48 months. A small price for the personal satisfaction of telling off the people that deserve to be told what assholes, douchebags, and fucktards they really are.

FUELED is odorless. colourless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in water. Only a few drops per session required and it can last up-to 8 hours!!

Possible side-effects include: bed-wetting, temporary Tourette’s syndrome, uncontrollable long-lasting bouts of hiccups, propensity to drool, urges to play Frogger, inability to form complete sentences, OCD for shoe-tying, unusually loud gas outbreaks, inability to blink, and cravings for canned sardines.

*NOT to be confused with the all-natural energy drink, known as FUEL*

Aug 20

Hamilton: CLiC Backyard BBQ

Hamilton View Comments

I finally got myself to a CLiC event and I had a lot of fun. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stay very late (which my body thanks me for) but I am eager to attend another event.

CLiC is a group (actually, it’s a club) of young professionals that is run by the Art Gallery of Hamilton (AGH). I used to think it was an art club but it’s not. Well, they do focus on art, but it’s also about culture and community. Something that Hamilton needs a boost of.

This past event was a Backyard BBQ, which was held at the AGH, on their beautiful outdoor roof patio. There was tasty food, yummy peach sangria and DJ Johnny Angel, who spun some really jazzy records.

The highlight of the night was getting a personal tour of Brendan Fernandes‘ exhibits by curator Melissa Bennett. Fernandes is a contemporary artist who grew up in Africa until he was 10 and his family moved him to New Market (North of Toronto).

Now, I’m not into art, especially contemporary art, but Melissa did an amazing job of explaining the history of Fernandes and where his inspiration draws from. She put clarity and personality into the art and the experience of the tour. Something I would have missed completely had I just walked into the exhibit alone (a definite CLiC perk, that’s for certain). After speaking with Melissa she let me know that it is her life mission to make contemporary less intimidating. She succeeded with me!

The cost of the event for non-members was $20, free with a membership (annual cost of $120). I’m seriously considering joining, especially since September’s event is ‘Cinema Hamilton’, a world film fest!

If you are interested in learning more, check out their Facebook page, or you can email Jocelyn at jocelyn AT artgalleryofhamilton DOT com (she’s also a friend of mine, and fellow derby girl .