medium & the message

Some people have the knack for comfort. Some people know when they don’t have the knack and just shut their faces and give you a hug. Then there are some people who have no filters and say the absolutely worst thing for the moment. This is that list of those people.

4. Who is that girl sitting over there?

Remember my friend Maaike, who was so amazing to come and visit me during this crappy time? Yeah, well, cousins of my uncle (Dad’s brother) saw her sitting in the crowd and thought it would be a great idea to try and set her up with their son. So, while in the receiving line, instead of consoling my uncle, they tried to set them up.

I feel very sorry for their son and whoever he ends up marrying.

3.  At least he’s out of his misery.

I wonder if this was ‘lost in translation’ but no one wants to hear it like this…especially my Mom, who spent the last 6 months making my Dad the most comfortable man in the world. She gave her soul to him, trying to help him die in peace and with dignity. And she did help him, more than God ever could.

2. Touching my brother’s forehead and patting his belly.

Doesn’t sound too bad eh? Let me give you some context. A childhood friend of mine and my brother’s was a passive aggressive bully. You know the type – picked on kids younger and smaller but always made it seem like a big joke so that he couldn’t get in trouble. This was that guy and he had it out for my big brother John. It didn’t help that our friend’s older brother ALWAYS stood up for John. Or that his mother always compared him to John. But hey, kids will be kids, right?

Wrong. This guy, nearly 25 years later, walks up to my brother, IN LINE at the funeral home, and touches John’s forehead, makes a comment about a (non-existent) receding hair line and then proceeds to pat him on the belly and gives an evil chuckle.

Really, man? I mean…our Dad just passed away. Really? You STILL need to be a bully?

The ironic part is that our old childhood friend is, himself, a fat, bald guy. He’s only a year older than my brother and he looks 10 years older. I guess that’s what happens to you when you are a mean person. Life just doesn’t agree with you.

I just need to add that I DO NOT have anything against fat, bald guys…but I do have an issue with passive aggressive hypocrite jackasses.

1. You won’t ever get to share your grandchildren with your father now.

Was this the most comforting thing this woman could think of? Remind me of one of the greatest joys in the world and how I’ll never be able to experience it? Yeah? THAT’s what you decided on saying?

Thanks for reminding me lady…I almost forgot how shitty this is.

No one knows what to do or say when someone dies (or is dying). It’s difficult and emotional, two variables that makes for many awkward moments. But there are those moments, and you never know where or when to expect them, that someone does something that makes you feel at ease and think, “Wow. That person really gets me.” This is that list.

5. “Your speech was amazing. But I didn’t expect anything less from you.”

Each time someone complimented my speech I felt at ease. Remember how I said that no one knows what to say when someone dies? That included me. I not only needed to maintain my composure when I was up there, but I wanted to sound sincere and most importantly, honour my dad.

4. “Make sure you’re home between 5-6pm tomorrow.

My friend, Eusebia, recently moved to Calgary. She’s from St. Catharines and we met in school so the distance thing really sucks. But that didn’t stop her from helping me out. She ordered a whole bunch of tasty food from the local pub/restaurant, The Thirsty Cactus. Things like Black Angus pasta, Cajun Chicken Pasta, 7 Layer dip with nachos and apple crisp for dessert. There was so much food I won’t have to cook for a long time.

The craziest part is that I’m 99% certain that the Cactus doesn’t deliver. I can just picture Eusebia calling them up, explaining them my situation and how when she came back to Ontario and was able to meet me for drinks I took her to the Cactus. She loves gifts with stories and sharing them. She knows I do to, which is what I’m also getting out of the food she got me – a cool story to tell.

I also have to give kudos to the Cactus. Not only did they deliver the food, they offered their condolences to us when Hubby answered the door AND the dessert they brought was in a glass dish. I will happily deliver the dish and a ton of thanks when I go back there, which will be sooner rather than later, I sure.

3. “Here.” (my friend Robin hands me a frame with that picture inside)

Robin is an artist, a talented one. And she loved my story about the cherry tree and the cardinal. So, she sketched a picture of it for me.

Can you say priceless?

2. “Poppies are your National flower.”

My mother-in-law said this to me, describing the quilt she made for my father before he passed. She HAND MADE him a quilt and shipped it to him and he was able to enjoy it for about a month or so. Now, it warms my mom when she sleeps.

The front part is embroidered with poppies and wheat sheaves, two Macedonian symbols, and the back has the flag. She even personalized a tag with some very kind words about him.

Not only is it the time and effort that was put in, but the quilt itself is so personal to my Dad. When he saw it he was very weak, and all he could say was, “Zoe…” and point to his heart.

He was still covered by the quilt when I came home the afternoon that he died. At one point my brother said to me, “I know it may sound stupid, but I’m glad he’s in something so nice, y’know?”

I didn’t say anything but I understood exactly what he meant.

1. “I will see you Saturday”

This was said to me by my close friend Maaike on the Thursday of my Dad’s death. Why is it a big deal? She lives in HOLLAND. Yes, Europe. And she flew in on Saturday and left on Wednesday evening.

She was there at every wake, she came with us in the limo to the Funeral, she took walks with my mom, she looked after my dog, she shared stories with all of my family…I could go on forever but you get the picture.

She also came to visit 2 days after getting back from a 3 week vacation across Scandinavia. Yeah, she is the VP of editing for an international soccer coaching magazine, but she didn’t even hesitate to come.

Between her and Jamie I was well looked after.