May 26

I’m finishing up at work and a few of us are going out later for my going away party. Except I’m not a Social Media Analyst, I’m a cop of some sort. The work people, they are all the same.

On our way out we take out the recycling and as we’re fiddling to make sure that we have everything in the right bags one of us notices a foot. It leads us to the back where there are a bunch of bodies. Some alive, some dead. All of them in different contraptions, all of them in pain. Needles poking in them, some of them with parts cut off. It’s grotesque and scary. Needless to say, there will be no going away party.

I have to tell the rest of the crew what happened. Some of them ran off ahead to the bar so I run in the darkness to tell them. But when I get there, it’s as though they already knew or they’re mad at me for some reason. Either way, they are cold and leave me behind, to walk back to my car in the darkness with this murderer on the loose.

On my way back to the parking lot I cut across a grassy hill and stop immediately when I get blinded by headlights and hear the roar of an engine. It’s him. The killer. He guns for me and narrowly misses. Not an accident I’m sure. I try to see into the driver’s side window but the headlights have me blinded. I hear the roar of the engine again but this time it’s coming from the opposite side. I look up and see a familiar car. “My brother!” I think, and wonder how the hell he knew I was here.

It’s enough to scare the killer off but I worry that now he will be after my brother too.

The next day a bunch of us split up to look for the killer. We are lost in a marketplace. A maze of people and merchants outdoors; just like you see in the movies. I cut out a bit to check on my sister-in-law. She’s protected nicely and is safe. I continue on my hunt.

Along my way I caress my gun, which is tucked in my pants underneath my shirt and wonder how the hell I’m supposed to use this thing. I wouldn’t even know how to tell if the safety is off. “Maybe I shouldn’t even have it tucked in my pants, ” I think. “Isn’t this how people shoot their toes off?”

I’m distracted by a small group of young men, performing various rituals. The music is low but has a strong beat and it makes my hair shake. I watch as these men start to self-mutilate, cutting their skin, their hair and putting needles through different parts of their bodies.

“Needles!” I think and my mind flashes back to the night when we found those bodies. The same rituals these men are doing are the same that was done to those bodies. The killer must be here; he’s one of these men!

I’m deathly afraid; I can’t remember ever being this scared. I need help, I can’t handle this alone. I turn to run, to find a private place to make a call to get some back up and BAM! i smash into him. He has a clown face that has started to droop in the rain. Except it’s not raining so maybe it’s sweat. He reminds me of the Joker, the one played by Heath Ledger, but without hair. Or maybe he looks more like the clown from Spawn, except not fat. No, the killer is very fit and strong. And he smiles at me.

The next thing I know I am tied up and the killer is standing over me, ready to perform these rituals. The music is the same, only louder, and I’m still deathly afraid. But I’m certain, someone will save me, right? But how? No one knows where I am.

I rack my brain for a logical explanation. GPS perhaps? Yes, we were all implanted with GPS so they know where I am.

BAH! It’s so unbelievable it can’t happen. So, what now? The killer is jumping around, ready to attack me at any second. I am running out of time.

“Wake up, Zoe,” I say. “WAKE UP!”

And I did. I snuggled closer to James so that he could help me fall back asleep.

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Jun 02

I had a dream. No, not that kind of dream. I had an actual dream.

Lucky for me I have an arsenal of dream books to help interpret my deep subconscious. And have a little fun.

My Dream

In my dream my feet were in cages. Each foot had its own cage, a black wire cage with latches (no locks). Basically, they were like shoes. As I was walking around I noticed that I was not wearing any socks.

Book Definitions

I took a combination of what each book said and mashed it together. In most cases they said similar things.

Foot: Ground, balance. If you are injured on left you are not allowing yourself to recieve; if injured on right you are giving away too much. Feet signifies one’s journey along one’s path and the type of behaviour used to progress.

Barefoot: Grounded and in touch with Earth.

Cage: Pertains to an aspect that prevents the exercise of one’s freedoms or rights. This may even refer to oneself. Cages are self-created prisions; fearof being trapped by own limitations. Fear of self-expression. If cages are not locked you are free to leave throught the doorway to freedom, your own awareness.

Huh?

How do I make sense of any of this. Dreams, horoscopes, tarot – they are all the same in that it requires interpretation. It’s not that this book is predicting the future, but rather that these symbols represent things that I am thinking/feeling. By analyzing them I’m helping to understand myself a little better.

So, what does it all mean to me?

The part that struck me the most was my fear of self-expression. Me? But I have a blog! I put my thoughts and ideas out there for everyone to see. I have a Facebook account that shares intimate details of my life with strangers. And my Flickr account? Pictures into my life that anyone can pick up and learn so much about me. I’m not afraid of self-expression.

Or am I?

I have been thinking of changing it up on here for quite some time. I just feel like this blog is not a true representation of who I am. If you only know me through my online self, would you be surprised if you were to meet me offline?

And I will admit. I’ve been holding back. I have been going through a lot lately and have half written a bunch of posts. I don’t finish them because it gives me an excuse not to hit the publish button.

Why? I’m afraid of admitting that my life is not going the way I planned.

Sure, I’m human. But seriously, I have never felt this insecure or vulnerable . Not even when I was a teenager. So why now?

To make a long story short (too late) I think that my mind is telling me that I need to exhaust every outlet that I can to ensure that I am getting myself out there.

Okay, fine then. I will. We’ll see how that works out. I suppose spilling my guts about this dream is a start.

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